I was really missing my daughter today, having not gotten my evening call from her. Even though she has only been away from me for about 4 weeks, I have missed so deeply her for a few years now, even though she has been around physically , yet not mentally or emotionally. I have blamed myself for the past few years. Feeling horrible, angry and sad that a situation that I had no control over at the time, caused such a deep a rift between us, that before had never existed. I had been closer to my daughter than anyone in my life, since the day she was born. But july of 2008 changed everything for our entire family.. These past few years since have been awful for me. I have been feeling guilt, sorrow and a yearning for her to eventually forgive me, let the anger go and decide to be the young woman she was before our lives seemed to have been hit by giant tsunami. Leaving me in a perpetual state of trying to figure out which way was up, so I could break through and catch my breath.
Recently, I found out that things had been broken way beyond what I had imagined. I was shattered, fearing the person I miss so much, could possibly be gone forever. Despite this horrible news, I found her seeming to be trying to find her way up fury of waves to catch her breath and swim for her life to shore. Back to who she wanted to be.
As I was saying, tonight I was missing her so much. i was wondering what she was going through, what kind of things she was working through, wondering if and/or what she was thinking about while sitting by the water. I get calls from her almost daily, but today was one of those days that I hadn't received one. I only get to talk to her for a few minutes at a time, nothing like the hours long, deeply intense conversations we normally like to have. When we talk on the phone, we talk about what she does there, what the place is like, what it looks like in Florida, etc. I was feeling distant, so I hopped on Google Maps so instead of trying to imagine what it was she saw seeing and experiencing there, I could actually have a visual of what it looks like in her mind. I had looked the other night, but only the satellite view. I saw the building she is staying in, the tables outside where I assume they sit and talk, the pond she talks about sitting by at night while she thinks and talked to a little raccoon she met. Someone she could sot and tell her secrets to. I imagined her doing these things and doing a lot of soul searching. Constructing a rough draft of what she wants out of her life and the things she wants to do for a career and possibly the impact she wants to have made on this planet and her people after she is gone.
Anyway, tonight as I was doing street view.. I came upon what looked to be a mini-mart on the corner across from some land that resembled a park. The only thing I could see for sure were some really tall palm trees that reminded me of my home in San Diego. Then I did a u-turn at the station and turned around and headed back toward the place she os staying.. I came past a big bushy tree where I could see the pond int he distance and then a small patch of little short baby palm trees.
They reminded me of my daughter. Who was neither a small nor tall majestic palm yet. But like the little ones, struggling to become one of the tall resilient palms that withstand all that nature has to give.
What I did say in the beginning is that I had started writing this blurb (my daughters and husband laugh at me and call them novels.. As if...) earlier. But I was having trouble coming up with an understandable, yet minimally eloquent way to put down how those palm trees reminded me of her and some others going through the same thing. Or at least what i had hoped they were are through. Hoping they were learning to be like those tall palm trees across thew way. I ended up looking online for a way to describe the lesson all humans should learn from palm trees. Being raised by the ocean it was a lesson that was just observed as I grew and began relating to my world. Amazingly, I typed in a few words and hit search one time. And even more amazing it was to a websites hat had posted an article from a guy I enjoy reading. The article he had written was exactly the words, lesson, whatever, that I was trying to put into words. So Instead of staying up all morning, (night has already passed) i just copied it and put it on here.
It was on a website called "You Can Heal Your Life". How appropriate. The comparison was written by Wayne Dyer, on The Wayne Dyer Blog. Some people like him, some don't. I enjoy hearing and reading some of his ideas.
Anyway, here is what came in my mind when saw the palm trees around the corner from her. I hope she gets to read this before she leaves. Don't know if she will be able to be online to see if, or even if she would. I send her so much stuff i want her to read, that she tends to skim over most. But I love her, so I'm just going to keep on sending them. Who knows, maybe one day she will get bored and read a few. LOL
Bend, Don’t Break, with the Wind
BLOG by DR. WAYNE W. DYER
Having lived by the ocean for many years, I’ve observed the strength and beauty of the tall palm trees that grow at the water’s edge. These stately giants are able to withstand the hurricane-force winds that uproot and destroy many larger, older, and more majestic trees. What is the palm trees’ secret to staying in one piece through huge, devastating storms? They bend almost down to the ground at times, and it’s that ability that allows them to survive. The Tao invites us, too, to be resilient, elastic, and pliant when we face the powerful winds that are part of life. When destructive energy comes along, allow yourself to resist brokenness by bending. Look for times when you can make the choice to weather a storm by allowing it to blow through without resistance. How does this work? Be willing to adapt to whatever may come your way by initially allowing yourself to experience that potentially destructive energy, much like the bending tree in the hurricane. When criticism comes, listen. When powerful forces push you in any direction, bow rather than fight, lean rather than break, and allow yourself to be free from a rigid set of rules—in doing so, you’ll be preserved and unbroken. Keep an inner vision of the wind symbolizing difficult situations as you affirm: I have no rigidity within me. I can bend to any wind and remain unbroken. I will use the strength of the wind to make me even stronger and better preserved.
Namaste,
Wayne
